Saturday, December 14, 2013

all the new F1 rules

We noticed the Formula 1 fans are confused, about the new regulations, so to make them clear and suggest to Ecclestone the really necessary rules, here they are.
After a 4 year-secret illuminati agreement with Red Bulluminati about money we humans will never know (see previous post about Brawn), at the end of the 2013 season, the FIA finally realised that the racing had produced exactly the same result as the championship in 2010, and 2011, and 2012, and 2013 after changing the tyres so Vettel won all the races.
Meanwhile, the fans of this sport are only a few, and sleeping since 2010.


CAMPER

as for Italians it's unconceivable to be beaten by a German (in fact, these years were more thanks to Red Bull than Vettel), 'cause we either beat them every time at football, or we're allies, lol (not meaning Hitler-Mussolini, but Schumacher-Ferrari :), following the fire truck in Korea, a camper will intervene every time baby Vettel is leading, to make him cry feeling nostalgia of his childhood in campings during his holidays in Italy, having pasta spaghetti pizza and for the first and last time even showers, and let Ferrari win.

SAFETY CAR

just when it gets interesting with cars crashing into each other (or when it rains hard), out comes the boring Safety Car. But now it will be driven by sexy nurses, carrying a fresh supply of condoms, Mosley BDSM equipment for an orgy, and a change of underwear, with nurses personally changing it

PIT STOPS

all the drivers are required to make 3 compulsory pit stops: one to change the tyres, one to refuel, and one so that the driver can take a piss.
In that case it's called pisstop.

DONUTS

to avoid Vettel's unpunished doughnuts, the winner will have to do a victory dance, with a jury judging him. In case the winner is not able to dance to the Beatles "you may be a lover but you aint' no dancer" Helter Skelter, he will lose the victory

GRID GIRLS

points are awarded at the end of each race based on who scored with the most gridgirls. The overall winner is the person who has picked up the most during the season

NEW KERS

the Kers (kangaroo-energy-recovery/release-system) will now use kangaroos in order to release energy to have more cars overtaking and now even jumping over. Unfortunately the enviromentalists of Greenpeace (appearing in Belgium @ Spa) disagreed, and to avoid their protests, the teams can only use one kangaroo per GP, apart from the Australian GP, with infinite kangaroos and many cars overtaking, in order to give fans the illusion it will be an exciting season.
Instead of kangaroos, there will be tests in Russia with vodka(-ngaroo). Raikkonen feels over the moon. Not sure about the results... maybe too exciting.


CIRCUITS

the Nurburrburburgubguburging is cancelled because the name is too difficult.
The circuits with the shape of a penis will be forbidden, and this will be a new one, without straights, to have more cars overtaking

TORO ROSSO

the team Toro Rosso, translation of the soulless Red Bull(shit), is only useful to sell Red Bull drinks in Italy, so they'll have to change their name with "Toro Rosso Merda" (shit), to remind how disgusting is their drink

12 TEAMS

@ FIA they want a 12th team from 2015, and we can exclusively anticipate the name : as there's always a joke team at the back of the grid, the HRT (Horrendous Racing Team) will be back, also known as Hysteria, but they have now been cured

BACKSEAT

about the news of Vettel becoming a father soon, cars will have backseats, and his son will constantly ask if they are there yet and will spray Red Bull drink in Vettel's eyes

POLAND

about the pole position new trophy, in order to decide who starts from the first place, and to compensate the absence of Kubica, the entire nation of Poland will be asked who should start there, hence the name "pole"

DESTRUCTORS

not only the Costructors Championship, now also the Destructors one, to have more exciting crashes, that was the real spice of this sport

SABOTAGE

to add some thrill and nostalgia for the old times, sabotaging the rivals will be allowed. The box must be kept open during the night, with mechanics making jokes on the cars. The following day, the teams are allowed to check their cars, apart from the brakes

HELMET DESIGN

as a punishment for Vettel changing the design of his helmet in almost every GP (that was the most entertaining thing in F1), he will have to race without helmet, with a flock of birds (Noel Gallagher bringing bad luck as always) following his Red Bull Renault Clio and shitting on his head, changing its colour. Very entertaining.
Vettel already tested this rule in 2013 when he showed his new fake blonde hairstyle.

TYRES

to avoid interrupted races because of rain (really absurd), in case of bad weather, Pirelli is now making triangular tyres, that sure will keep the cars stable on track

CHEATING

another new trophy will be given in Australia, to see who has been cheating over the winter break. There is always at least one team. Current record holders are Red Bull.

METALS

a typographical error on a press release initially described the championship as operating also under a "medals" system, with drivers being awarded a gold, silver or bronze medal for their efforts. In reality, this should have read "metals", as winning drivers will be awarded heavy metals at the end of each event which they will then be required to wear for the duration of the next event in an effort to slow them down

POINTS

the winner will get 20 points, the second 25... this to avoid Vettel winning every race, to see if he's really driving or it's Red Bull that could win even without a driver.
1 extra point for the drivers who can touch the chequered flag with their hand

CHEQUERED FLAG

traditionally, the chequered flag was waved to the first driver to cross the line. Now it's associated with the person who has the biggest cheque book (hence the name), and so can corrupt the officials more than anyone else

HAMILTON

to avoid Hamilton pitting at McLaren again, a blue bird on a statue of Rockefeller will be placed @ Mercedes box, to remind him the reason why he changed team (money, and Twittergate, revealing telemetry and attacking his own friend, then realising to be wrong)

COST CAP

the new rule will be applied not on the teams but on the cost of the prostitutes for the whole FIA members

HITCH-HIKING

instead of Webber, at the end of the races, gridgirls and escorts/prostitutes will be hitch-hiking along the track, and drivers not resisting the temptation and picking them up, will get a penalty.
Briatore already asked to be a new driver

FAN TEST

following the Red Bull domination, new fans usually drinking Red Bull in discos, became fond of this sport, calling themselves experts despite discovering its existence 14 minutes before.
The people who can prove to have a relative from Heppenheim (Vettel's hometown) will be the only Vettel fans allowed to watch the GPs.

FAN SEX

if all these changes won't be enough and F1 is still boring, the fans will have sexual intercourse, and the activities will be suggested by the automatic advertisements appearing beside the internet streaming

VETTEL LOOKING AT CARS

at the end of the races, to prevent Vettel always looking at the other cars (as if there was something irregular / or to copy), they should put Ibrahimovic there, telling him "cazzo guardi?", lol (=wtf are you looking at)



more stuff to add and update soon
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